Part 3 of 3

A Working Man

Back in the Airbnb Jet was still a little wired, from the coke, caffeine, and adrenaline rush he always gets when he’s doing card work. So he decided to get some more work done. Logging onto Skype, putting his headphones in to drown out the bizarre sounds coming from Jimmy’s room, he video called his friend who he knew only as Juhani POS and was located in Finland but barely had the accent. “Juhani what’s up my man?” Jet said grinning. Juhani had bleach blond hair, shoulder-length, crystal blue eyes, and a boney hard jawed face. “Jet! To what do I ow the pleasure on this fine evening?” Juhani said joyfully.

Jet smiled “I just need you to swat this fucking worm for me, nothing serious.”

“Sure thing man, who?” Juhani said happily.

“Guy calls himself Dr. Squatch, but his real name is James Schrader. Fucking loser always shows up in my YouTube ads trying to sell me “man soap”, really gets on my nerves. I haven’t even looked up where he lives, but a cretin like that reeks of Cali.”

Juhani was laughing “You’re right man just looked it up, fucking San Diego. Do you want me to spice it for you?”

Jet grinned widely “Yeah make it spicy for me, this one’s personal.”

“How spicy?” Juhani asked excitedly.

“Like an O of crystal spicy….. oh and if you have some curry out there in San Diego feel free.” Jet said casually, still grinning.

“Fucking savage man!” Juhani said laughing rocking back and forth. “Hmm San Diego not sure I can get any curry out there but I won’t rule it out, as for the rest of it consider it done my man.”

“Thanks Juhani, I owe you anything?” Jet asked.

“Nah man, you know how it is. For you, it’s my pleasure. What are you up to anyway?”

“Just chilling with the boys in Pittsburgh, yeet-week stuff, the usual.”

“Cool cool, enjoy that shit then man! I’ll catch you later!”

Jet nodded contented, “Catch ya later man, thanks again” and closed out Skype.

Jet opened Tor and logged into his admin page for “ShitStarter”. A crowdfunding website he and Juhani built that was still in beta. Users would put up a campaign requesting someone throw shit at a specific person, usually a politician. Other users would put in bids on the contract, naming their price and provide a video of the act to revive the funds if enough people donated to their campaign. Jet and Juhani just had their first few successful contracts executed. A thousand dollars was successfully raised to throw dogshit at Bill Deblasio, Jet had made this contract himself, to test out the site. A second contract for $1500 was raised, also for Bill Deblasio, except this time human feces was to be used, and there was a qualifier that an extra $500 would be provided if it was a headshot.

Jet watched the video as a man took a shit into a bucket then pulled the shit out of the bucket, wearing blue medical gloves, and placed it into a zip lock bag. Next, the video cut to Bill Deblasio standing awkwardly at a hot-dog stand, and then the man who took the shit in the last frame apparently now wearing one of those realistic rubber masks of an old man’s face. He winks at the camera and then takes the shit from before out of the Ziploc bag, which he wrote #ShitStarter on in black sharpy, this time wearing thin black medical gloves. Pretending to be a jogger he jogs over, with someone else filming discretely. In one smooth motion roughly eight feet away from Bill Deblasio, he screams “GET SHITFACED” and wails the log straight into his face the camera changes to a better angle and gives a slow-motion view of the feces hitting Bill Deblasio on the cheek and a small amount making its way into his surprised open mouth. Then the video resumes to normal speed and shows the shit thrower booking it away from the mayor’s security detail, while Bill Deblasio coughs and dry heaves in a disturbing manner, realizing he has shit in his mouth and then the video ends. Jet laughs, posts the video to the site, releases the bounty to the user “StealthMan#2”, minus the 5% admin fee, and DM’s him a thumbs-up emoji.

Next, he opened his Wickr messenger, ten more pedophiles he was attempting to blackmail had finally given in and agreed to his terms. They sent Jet $500 each month in return for Jet not framing them for child-porn by reporting them to the FBI. Jet found them through the state-run sex offender registry website. Each state had it’s own, he would then find out their address, email, and phone number through some basic research. He’d message them through email or text with a burner, pretending to be some kid or someone selling CP, make them download Wickr where all the messages self-destruct after a short time period. Then he would convince them he’d compromised their PC, phone, or that he would just send them a bunch of naked pictures in the mail and notify the authorities if they didn’t send him $500 per month. It was only half their UBI check Jet would point out. It had been just a few months but including today’s ten, he was now at fifty total.

He messaged them each their own unique bitcoin address and told them to save it. Jimmy came out of his room completely naked except for a sock covering his dick and balls.

“What you up to Jetty?” Jimmy asked obviously still coked up.

“Just working on the farm.” Jet grinned.

“Oh you fucker, when are you gonna set me up man? Common don’t be greedy, just give me one state like Montana or some shit!” Jimmy said enviously.

“You’re not ready dude.” Jet answered coolly.

“Not ready for a pedo-farm? What the fuck does that even mean?! Common Jet, you set up that Finland kid. Gave him the whole fucking UK! I just want like ten or something!” Jimmy whined.

Jet smirked “Let me get to a hundred first then we’ll talk.”

“I hate you dude.” Jimmy said giving up “Well it’s time for my 9th hand-job, I’ll see you tomorrow worm.” and he walked back into the bedroom and slammed the door behind him.

Jet closed Wickr, his laptop, took a few tokes of his DMT vape to cancel out the coke, and drifted into a smooth dreamy sleep on the orange leather couch in the living room, hood on over his eyes blocking out the light.

— — -

Walking to Chipotle for breakfast, Jimmy, Kyle, and Tyler were all sipping monsters, while Jet was taking baby tokes from his DMT vape to take the edge off of one too many caffeine pills he took this morning, Danny staring at his phone with both AirPods in. Jet got a Facetime call from his sister, sighing he answered it.

“What’s up Sarah.” Jet answered. Jimmy peering over his shoulder.

“Hi Jet. Hi Jimmy.” Sarah chirped happily, twirling her blonde hair with her left index finger.

“Hey Sarah.” Jimmy said grinning.

“What do you want Sarah, I’m in Pittsburgh.” Jet said already annoyed.

“I just have to ask my little brother a question OK? It’s like important.” Sarah said defensively.

Jet put on his hood “You’re not even that much older than me.”

“Twenty-two months!” Sarah answered, “But that’s not the point, I just want your advice, it’s serious.”

“Alright, what is it?” Jet said rolling his eyes.

“Ok, but like hear me out before you answer, ok? So…. do you think I should go Poly? I’ve just been so bored and Tracy, you know my good friend Tracy, obviously, she’s Poly and she really thinks I could get into it. Oh and she says they have like all these parties, where they swap partners or have threesomes or whatever they do, but she says they have the BEST coke and like the ecstasy is off the wall, and apparently, she never pays for any of it! I think it would really get me out of this lull I’ve been in, ya know? Like something new and different, really liven up my social life a little bit. What do you think Jet should I go Poly? You think I would be good at being polyamorous?” Sarah asked excitedly.

Jet sighed “Sarah I really don’t care, do whatever you want.” he said indifferently.

“JET!!” Sarah whined “Common this is important! At least tell me if you think I’d be goo…”

“It’s really not important.” Jet interrupted shaking his head.

“I think you’d be good at it Sarah!” Jimmy chimed in, sticking his face in front of the phone.

“You really think so Jimmy!? You think I should do it?” Sarah asked excitedly.

“Yeah of course!” Jimmy said grinning “That way you can suck my dick and we don’t have to date.” He added, Kyle and Tyler bursting out in laughter, Jet rolling his eyes.

“Oh Jimmy stop it!” Sarah said but not in a way where it was out of the question.

“Are we done?” Jet asked bored.

“But Jet, you didn’t give your opinion!?” Sarah protested.

“It doesn’t matter Sarah, flip a coin if you have to. I’m hanging up.”

Sarah looked disappointed but didn’t say anything. Jimmy put his face in front of the phone again before Jet could hang up and screamed “SUCK MY SACK SARAH.”

Jet pushed him away and hung up. Then they all walked into Chipotle, got their food, and sat down.

“Jetty my man.” Jimmy said slapping Jet on the back.

“I’m not making you a farm Jimmy fuck-off.” Jet said taking the last bite of his taco.

“Woah don’t make so many assumptions.” Jimmy held his hands up defensively, “I was just wondering if you have any Stonk plays ready for the next UBI payment, instead of doing yeet week.”

Jet smirked “I do have something I’ve been cooking up actually, we got access to Elon Musk’s Twitter along with some other big corpos that have no idea, going to announce some takeovers next month. Once my reddit guy starts shilling the stock I’ll tell you what options to buy.

Jimmy grinned “Fuck yeah let’s do it, I want to skip yeet week next month anyway, my hip is fucking sore, ended up bellybutton fucking that chick last night. What kind of numbers you thinking Jetty?”

“That’s disgusting Jimmy, and probably a 20x maybe more.” Jet said casually.

“No herpes on the belly button bro.” Jimmy replied a little too loudly, Kyle and Tyler trying not to laugh. The mother with her two kids eating next to them was visibly upset and looked like she was about to say something, but then she caught a glimpse of whatever Danny was watching on his phone, so she just told her kids it was time to go and made sure they didn’t look in Danny’s direction, her face still grimaced as she walked away.

Happy Endings

“Jet…… JET!” Miss Meeky screeched “Jet pick your head up!”

Jet picked his head up and looked at Miss Meeky then took a big toke of his DMT vape and blew the smoke up in the air as the class broke into laughter.

“JET!” Miss Meeky cried “Do you want me to call your parents?!”

“Yeah go ahead.” Jet said indifferently, Miss Meeky’s face going red.

“Well, I’ll do just that!” Miss Meeky declared futilely.

Jet had replaced his parent's number on file with a woman’s at a Ukrainian call center. Who he paid a few dollars a month to take all calls from his school. A transcript of the call was then emailed to Jet afterward and if his teacher wanted an in-person meeting he just hired actors off Craigslist to play the role of his parents.

Now that he was up Jet checked his phone, he smiled, his farm payroll paid out a full 50k this month, hitting his hundred man pedo-farm goal. A text from Juhani, he clicked the link. “Man from San Diego caught importing meth, pound of heroin found buried in the backyard by SWAT team, faces ten year minimum sentence. Judge already ruled in favor of mother for sole custody of kids.” Picture of James Schrader’s shocked mugshot.

“LOL, ty man” Jet replies to Juhani.

RobinHood notifies him- “SELL ORDERS FILLED”. An article from CNBC reads “In a wild move Ford stock doubles intra-day after Elon Musk announces his plan to buy Ford at over double the current price. Jet had bought $5,000 worth of the Delta .05, 22 strike Ford call options, about forty days out, and set limit orders to exit for just over a million, which all filled.

Message from Jimmy in the Wickr group chat “STONK WEEK!! YOU CAME THROUGH JETTY! YOU FUCKING WORM! FUCK MY HIP- I’M READY TO BLOW 50K, YEETWEEK STARTS RIGHT NOW BITCHES, VEGAS EDITION”

Jet smirked and replied, “Your welcome, see you guys at JFK.”

Jet packed up his stuff and made his way out of the classroom.

Miss Meeky protesting profusely “JET! Where are you going?!”

“I’m taking the week off, see you next Monday Meeky.” Grinning he walked out, the sound of the class's laughter and some delusional rambling from Miss Meeky about how he can’t do this and class is important and how will he get into college, fading into the background.

Micro Short Stories of Fiction